Wednesday, February 29, 2012

Wintertime Blues

When I moved to Kansas City, I sacrificed a lot for love. Do I regret it? No. But do I miss being minutes from all of my very best friends? Daily. I lost my job, which wasn't glamorous, but it was money. I lost the ability to be a terrible flirt at every moment... That might not be a bad thing. I had to leave Bruce behind, which was shitty, and I miss that little jerk and his sweet sister. 
So, I've been going through a lot of emotions. Sometimes I feel overwhelmed, incredibly overwhelmed and scared of what's going to come down the line. Like so many other people, I'm not financially secure, I have too much debt and so little income. I hate going to college, Truman was a joke. Trying to go to school online was a joke and kind of a sham. So, this summer I start round three, which hopefully will be the charm. I JUST WANT TO TEACH KINDERGARTEN. Sometimes I feel like no one is listening, and who could blame them? I don't feel like I've been a very good communicator since I moved her. But I don't know anyone's schedule, and I don't want to be a bother, and at this point, its like awkward to try to figure all this shit out. Making friends here is next to impossible, I have nowhere to meet anyone new here, all I ever do is sit around- losing minutes that I will never get back. I've gotten way fatter, way less confident in myself, and way less excited about living. All I do is sleep, eat, and play Sims3. What a life. 
Things with Jason haven't changed, I love him as much as I did the first time I laid eyes on him- as much as I did the moment he confessed that he loved me. We bicker, but when you spend this much time together, that's going to happen. Sometimes I think about the little baby we lost, I know it was just a clump of cells, not really a baby yet; if I was still pregnant, we would know the gender by now. I know that its probably better in the long run that we didn't have a baby right off the bat, but man was I excited about the thought of bringing someone into the world. Jason and I never talk about it. I think he was more relieved than sad, and I was/am the opposite. 
Maybe its the lack of foliage, maybe its the rainy, gross weather we've been having- I'm ready to shake things up. And I'm ready to stop being so down in the dumps.