Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Word Vomit

I'm in a rough place right now. I'm not depressed. I'm just sad. I don't want to do anything drastic, I just want things to be better than they are right now. I want to have more money, and more control of my money. I want to have fewer bills to worry about. I want to stop second guessing everyone and everything. I want to stop thinking for a minute and actually enjoy my life instead of feeling like I'm wasting everyday I'm living. I don't want to worry about people's reactions to the things I do. I don't want my actions to be questioned. I just want to live and let live and not have to worry about who I offend by not holding a door or saying "Thank You." Do any of those things really matter in the long run? Just once I would like for someone to notice that I did something productive. Just once I wish everyone would stop focusing on the mistakes that I've made. Just once I would like to stop focusing on the mistakes I've made. Its hard to relax when you have to constantly think about who you might have pissed off by not doing something right at work, or by putting something away incorrectly. It sucks when your parents know you're over-drafted before you do, and they know you don't have any money saved up, so they write you a check. Its sad when that's become the norm. Its sad when it takes every ounce of energy and moxie I have to just get out of bed at 3 in the afternoon, just to sit and waste another day and feel exhausted afterward. What is wrong with me? I mean, surely nothing worth having comes easily, and good things come to those that wait right? So, where is whatever I'm waiting for? I've been waiting for over 20 years for something truly fantastic and worthwhile, and all I get is disappointment. I have great friends, and a wonderful, if horribly dysfunctional family. That's not even true, I have wonderful members of a horribly dysfunctional family, and others that have been nothing but a life-long trial, something even Job couldn't have handled. I feel that everything happens for a reason, I just wish I could see what these reasons are. 

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